2005-06-21 - 9:11 p.m.
Today is the longest day of the year and I have spent most of it inside, in front of the computer. I always think of my mother, who would have us go for solstice hikes in the White Mountains growing up to celebrate the summer and to have a little respect for this vast world we live in. I am listening to the 7” record of the Online Romance that Jack Saturn gave to me last week and it is bringing back memories of summer 2004 at Albina and Dekum when Jack seemed to eat mostly boxed couscous and sitting in Morgan’s driveway in SE Portland, Oregon August of 2003, Jack singing sweetly with a note on his guitar that said “Eleanor Must Not Go.” But I did go from Oregon, and from that part of my life and now I find myself spending most of my days in front of a computer in downtown Manhattan, learning a lot and feeling frustrated and puzzling out this thing allegedly called “adult life.”
Not to sound too grand and cheesy. Lately I have been pondering the use of this online diary, not only because I hardly post, but I can’t really think of much that is worthwhile reading to write. I think I am over needing to share my trials and tribulations in some kind of public setting or everything feels all to personal to write in such a forum.
I think New York is really messing with my head in terms of “ambition” and what I view as realistic for myself and how I am to find a post-college community here. I never really felt connected to a tangible sense of community at my college, but I also realize that being a student gave me something very concrete to be ambitious about, to focus on, to channel my passion into. And now that it is done for the time being I realize I need to go easy on myself a little, but also not let go of that ambitioun and idealism just because I can’t see an immediate place for it to focus.
Need I even reiterate that these are scary times? I feel like I am raring to go, but still not sure where to go. Maybe this is exactly what everyone who is trying to effect positive change, to work with others towards this nebulous idea of social justice feels like. I am trying to feel okay about uncertainty, to trust in the power of people to make change and the time that it takes.
A few weeks ago I sat down and had dinner with my friends Emily and Britt. We had a senior work study group this past semester and were having our celebration dinner. We came up with these graduation cheers to encourage us in these first few months out of college:
To finishing school and realizing what an accomplishment that is (Emily)
To not wasting time but also finding when to take time- to finding balance (me)
To approaching change gracefully (Britt)
Thanks ladies.
