2005-03-06 - 1:32 a.m.
Dugan wrote me an email last weekend inquiring if there had not been much going on in my life because of the lack of a new diaryland entry. I replied saying that there was so much, and I feel like I am unable to express much of it at all, much less on the internet, that that was why this little blog has been silent for awhile. I tried to write an entry about a month ago about my experiences at the National Conference on Organized Resistance at the beginning of February in DC, which were mostly positive and caused me to do a lot of reflecting on the role “punk rock” (loosely defined) has played and continues to play in my life and how that has both pushed and warped my thinking about activism, organizing and social change. But I quit this entry and never posted it out of sheer exhaustion and perhaps because I felt it did not match the emotions swirling around inside of me.
So finally, after making cafe con leche de soja this afternoon and spending hours and hours on my computer I am breaking some kind of self imposed cyber silence.
So this past month has been about embracing change, about listening to my heart even when I am confused, taking risks that entail both pain and joy, learning to live with contradictions of mourning and sadness over the loss of one romantic partnership from my life (on my doing, I might add) and welcome a new one. I am working to believe and live healing, to be patient and to know that I will grow and push myself to communicate and give space. I want to beleive that honesty is always the best way to work through the pain I have caused. I know I will never act perfectly towards the people I love and care about, I know, but messing up feels better than not trying at all.
Maybe now that I’ve gotten over this weird fear of posting an entry the next one will be a little less vague...
