2004-12-27 - 11:12 p.m.
On Xmas eve my a friend of my Dad's and his family stopped by our house to say "hello" and wish us a Merry Christmas. A nice gesture indeed. They have two teenaged daughters, about 17 and 19 who were very nice and so as we stood around talking I talked to them, as young people tend to talk to young peope in situations like that. So after telling me about how her boyfriend is in the Navy and serving in Japan right now the older one turned to me and asked me really nonchallantly if I had a boyfriend. Not if I was seeing anyone or dating anyone but if I had a BOYfriend. I had a sudden moment of cultural shock- of course, in my group of friends questions like that tend to be less gendered and heterosexist and I would just never think to ask a question like that to someone I didn't know.
Later, after I talked to my mother about it, my mother pointed out that to this young woman the question wasn't a big deal -she would ask it the same way you might ask if someone prefered gap jeans or diesels- the question is not consequential. But for me, even though I answered yes and that he is studying to be a librarian, I felt like I was betraying a big part of myself, participating in a kind of passing I feel totaly uncomfortable with. At the same time, I didn't feel comfortable lying or suddenly going into teaching mode about heterosexism. So I ended up being totaly complicit with it.
But it's moments like that when I want to say, wait, but let me explain... like how do I say that ladies are and always have been #1 in my life? And at the same time how to I come to terms with the fact that I don't have enough self-confidence most of the time to actually really beleive that I could one day be another girl's girlfriend? Or even to kiss a girl that I like because it feels so important? And how to explain all this being 23 and supposed to be over this kind of angst by now?
And on top of all that, how do I explain that with out making my current date who is a bio-boy who is queer in many of his own ways feel marginalized in my emotional landscape? To not make it sound like I am only with him becuase I'm too scared to be with someone else? To make it clear that I acknowledge adn respect and value our relationship? And why do I feel like so much of this thinking relies on essentialized notiongs of gender? I know queer is supposed to solve these conundrums somehow, but I don't think I can count on that word alone to really address these concerns.
And is it too simplicitc to suffice it to say that I want to kiss a (certain) girl right now? (without feeling sketchy or dodgy or somehow manipulative or that's the only thing I want from her. ack. am i over intellectualizing?)
ps. the other week while I was still in Brooklyn I found myself listening to a lot of Team Dresch and the Need. Lauren asked me "Are you having queer angst?" But really I just had the songs stuck in my head...
