2004-06-24 - 7:33 p.m.
I have been in Portland, Oregon for over two weeks now without writing. For some reason this is making me panic, like I need to write extra well to summarize my time here, to let everyone in on all the thoughts and feelings swirling through my head. Most of what I want to say is that I have been swimming laps regularly since I got here and I am really proud of myself, it makes me feel really good to consciously take care of my body be excersizing. In addition, I have come up with questions, questions for a new city, for friends here and back east and everywhere else, and most importantly, for myself.
What does it take to make "safe" spaces and accountable communities? What does it look like for someone with privilege to be truly accountable for the ways they have abused that privilege- for example perpetrating sexual assault?
How can we be accountable to each other, especially when power and privilege create so many grey areas? How do we respect each other’s processes to work through oppressive behavior (which does not have to be as extreme as sexual assault to be oppressive, it can mean making assumptions about people’s backgrounds, continually centering whiteness, etc.) while still holding them accountable for their behavior?
What does it mean to be an ally? I ask myself this a lot as a white person who works for racial justice…. Why does the term "ally" occasionally make me cringe? Do people use it as a mask for their behavior, as a way to ask to be educated? For example, "But I’m a white ally, educate me person of color." What can men do to be allies to women who are survivors of sexual assault and supportive of feminist struggles in general? (and here I mean anyone who self-id’s as either of these terms, and of course, a lot of people don’t id as either) When do you step in and be supportive and when do you back off and not step on people’s toes because you trust them to do the work? How do you organize with other men? How do white people organize with other white people for racial justice? (of course, these are not the same things and of course the struggles for gender equality and racial justice are very, very connected)
If we are trying to create communities of artists and activists that are committed to social justice and supposedly based on dialogue, why do we keep posting vague things about each other on the internet instead of sitting down and having real, honest (and perhaps painful and perhaps loving and risky) conversations about what we need, want, envision and the ways we feel hurt and shut down and not supported?
Is teaching activism? How do you know when to push teenagers farther in their consciousness and when to let them make discoveries on their own?
Why do I continually take on what I perceive to be other people’s fears and issues as a cover up for dealing with my own?
When will I figure out what I want in a city, while at the same time realizing no city is perfect? Why does the idea of having a house with a basement and big kitchen and garden suddenly seem so alluring? What does this say about my privilege, class position and the cultural capital I hold in general?
Why do I miss my kitty cat so much, even though I know she is probably clawing up my curtains and shedding all over my stuff right now?
