2003-12-26 - 8:58 p.m.
What to even say and feel? I know that all the preparation and packing, the last minute spanish practice and background reading, cannot prepare me for what I will see, experience, feel, the questions I will have, what I will learn, the places I will be. So tommorow I get on a plane and fly to Cancun, and then after a night there (and no, it won't be like MTV spring break, I just have images of the recent anti-WTO protests in my head), I fly to Havana, where I will be studying Cuban culture and history for the next three weeks. I am wondering, given that so many people I know, or know people I know, are heading to Cuba, I am wondering if it's the tourist destination for privileged radicals, so we don't have to feel guilty going to the Carribean or something. I just have to wonder, if it's a way to feel like we're not imperialists, no really. I suppose that I'll have more insight into this, and a lot more, when I return. But until then, I won't be able to update this, as my internet access will be extremely limited.
I've been home for the past week and I've been struck by small moments, reminding me of who I am. Sitting around the dinner table with my extended family my sister, Dad and I talk about family and sons and daughters. My sister Hayden muses, "Yeah, I think daughters are easier, but then, I never had me!" We all laugh, I like how Hayden is able to be candid about her past as a trouble maker. Candid because she was able to pull herself through. And her candidness shows the vulnerability she still carries, and her strength too. And I am reminded how much I love and admire my sister.
Her son, Josh, got a Calvin and Hobbes book for Christmas. Calvin and Hobbes was my favorite, my cousin Ben and I used to read each other's Calvin and Hobbes books when we our families visited each other in Wyoming and Maine, respectively. So immediatly, like most books, I was totaly sucked in. I found this panel where Calvin turns to Hobbes and says, "What do you do when you don't want to inherit the world?" and Hobbes answers, "I think that if you are born it's too late."
I think this is an amazing way to say that we all live in history. We all inherit this world with all it's pain, oppression and inequality. When my parents asked me the other night what I meant by "taking responsibility for my whiteness" this is part of what I mean. Recognizing the world we have all inherited and our parts in it. Knowing that we have to live with all the pain and messed up history. It's about finding away to live with the contradictions and frustrations that history brings up. Striving to live openly and honestly, full of questions and contradictions, and finding some kind of peace, but also never taking inequalities as given, as something unchangeable.
