2003-10-15 - 9:57 p.m.
Compared to last winter and spring, my state of mind and spritis has been so much better. What I mean by better is not consumed by despair or frustration or overwhelming bitterness. This of course, doesn't translate into the world being any less fucked up. Though I feel like I am amble to take a more positive, yet critical, outlook on things, sometimes I am reminded that hope can still be hard to come by. I still find myself so bitter, as equally (if not more) sick of the people I'm "supposed" to be aligned with as with people I can clearly identify as those who I am not aligned with. I am always so tired of cool kids, of scenes, of short sightedness, of blindness to privilege and on and on. Of course, this is pretty short sighted in itself, because we all do these things and I very much include myself in that. It was brought to my attention by my friend Andy most recently, when I was complaining about yet another thing, in this case a "new feminist art journal" from Williamsburg, that bugged me. I was remarking how I was sick of things that I should really be able to throw my weight behind just being another social scene, predictable and cliquish. Andy reminded me that that may be so, and not excusing anyone's messed up behavoir and attitudes, pointed out that he's learned to be a little more generous towards people over the years. Generous and forgiving, because hell, we all have our complexities and contradictions (and again, I very much include myself in that).
Being generous. While being critical. That really made me stop and think, it seems obvious, right? But sometimes I feel like my critical insights flow into dissatisfaction with everything. I want to come from a place of love and hope and faith in the people around me to transform the world. In fact, I need to if I'm going to do this work (and what exactly would constitute "this work", well, that's another question entirely that's also totaly been occupying my mind). But, how, when I just feel overwhelmed with the extent that domination and opperssion and meanness reaches into all of our lives? How do I recognize and appreciate the good efforts people are trying to make while at the same time remaining very critical? And how do I not let my dismissal of "cool" kids get in the way of this process? (maybe I'm still put out that "sincerity will never be cool")
