2003-04-11 - 11:05 a.m.
How many weeks has it been since I have updated? Sigh. Just taken by life I guess.
Earl Grey tea has come to represent friendship, companionship and warmth to me. So on these too cold spring days I find myself drinking pots of it-alone in the mornings, out to tea with friends, trying to have tea fill in some kind of gnawing gap. (my favorite so far is the Earl Grey Creme at Teany, snobbish as this sounds, and in second place is Twinings, though that might horrify some)
My moods I don't understand, how fast they shift and change. Most of the time I am contented and excited with my life, what I am working on. But there are times when the despair just fills me up and I get this urge to just cut my hair- if I could just get that perfect haircut, things would be perfect- I'd be in control. That's what it's about- insecurity and control, always. And it can change instantly.
I am always aware that it is not just my moods, despair is easy these days, but I am excited about the conversations I am having in my classes and finding in my reading (right now Power Politics by Arundhati Roy) about finding hope in complications, contradictions and yes, through despair. But it's internal too.
I had dinner with my friend James from Portland, OR earlier this week. He was talking to me about how he appreciated people's fashion and the design of clubs in New York. And I responded that behind all that all I could see was the money and time it took to be "cool". I couldn't appreciate it. Everything becomes a perception what I think I lack. So self centered and yet self depricating at the same time. Talking to James I realized how jaded and spiteful and exhausted I've become- world weary maybe? At 21? This worries me. I still THINK I'm a positive person, but I think its possible to be critical and conscientous (spelling?) withough being totaly negative. It's a balance I haven't found though.
And once again, sad music defines my moods so perfectly: "And if it don't improve, then I'll have to move, I never thought I'd end up here, maybe I should just change my style..." -Galaxie 500
