2003-03-14 - 12:14 p.m.
I had a dream last night that the war started- granted, violence comes in many forms and we've already been bombing Iraq for ten years, not to mention the economic violence of sactions. But this dream, I thought it was the day that Bush and his cronies started lobbing all the missles and bombs at Iraq, how he said "there won't be a safe place in Bahgdad". In this dream, I felt all those things that I don't feel everyday- the pain and fear of death, the frustration and craziness of this. How many people have to die for Bush to prove all the systemic power he has? But also in the dream I was making a poster for a protest (seems like kind of a weak gesture, huh?), but I was ready to act and organize, which was reassuring, at least I'm not so jaded when I'm asleep.
I found an old notebook, from summer of 2001, when I was searching for the flat of the Joy Division and New Order fanzine I made, Twenty Years Too Late. The last entry was written as I was getting ready to move from Portland, OR to New York. New York has taught me a lot since then, but somehow, these words steadied me,
"I feel like I lost romance too long ago, kicked it away so hard it won't come back, or if it dared, it's too late anyway. Maybe its just balmy summer nights and Rainer Maria that do it to me. Could this be something we could repair? Would it require a break with routine I can't quite make? Too much surrendering to the emotions which I am afraid of? Do I get pulled by a song? The fact that I am thinking about mix tapes and long distance calls months before they occur? But at the same time beleiving that distance won't make a difference? (but it does and it did and I'm so glad of that now) First I was begging to be changed by this new experience, now I want parts of the new, but to keep what I have here. The friends I love, this place, the time and getting settled here.
"But I've committed myself to instability for the next couple of years. Like my interests, like my time, I've spread out my heart and my home far and thin. It makes sense for me. I think I can do it.
"I want emotionaly possibility. A heart filled up. Not gaps and cold distances." (July, 2001)
Long distance phone call last night, I said that New York is home now. And I am excited that it is. And maybe romance will dare to come back, but in the meantime, my heart is filled up with so many other things.
