2003-02-12 - 9:24 p.m.
My favorite part is going over the Manhattan Bridge on the Q or the W and/or the Williamsburg Bridge on the J or the M at night. These bridges are huge. I think about my little body, criss crossing the east river, watching the lights of lower Manhattan. I feel like if I could capture what it's like crossing those bridges, how it makes me want to write, I could explain my feelings about New York.
I was talking to Carrie on the phone last night, which is a rare occurance, because I am very weird about friends from school. Like I've made about two. It's not that people are uninteresting or mean, it's just they're "hard to crack" (myself included). I am not sure if I trust them. New York, school and personal life take so much of my energy, its hard to put it into new friendships, which is, in a way, really sad.
Carrie and I were talking about how all of our friends from school are all depressed.
"Everyone's going totaly out of theire head," Carrie says.
"Why!" I yell, "Why the hell do we all feel like shit!"
These are tough times for empathetic people. I can't read the newspaper, or listen to NPR, without wanting to yell (or going to wipe out this whole imperialists system). But it's more than that for me.
I am starting to realize what it means for me to live with depression. That its not because of a passing circumstance, it's not a phase I'm going through. A "phase" that I've been in for about 9 years. And race, class, gender and sexuality, and capitalism have everything to do with it. But I need to stop making excuses- because of winter, because of beginning of semester stress, insecurity, lack of excersise, because of New York and on and on. Yes, these all have something to do with it. But how do I live through this?
How do I get through fear and self hatred and insecurity and hopelessness and turn my rage into action and analysis? Especially beacuse I analyze and think every single second of the day, when do I give myself a break and be and live and create and act?
