2003-01-26 - 1:03 p.m.
I know how relationships end. And I know how the drag on when they should have ended. But I am completely miffed about how they start.
Suddenly I feel too old for my awkwardness and my conviction that if I make the perfect mixed tape the receiver of that mixed tape will fall in love with me. I don't want to be an adult in these matters. I want to pass a note after class and nervously hold hands.
I am so sick of being heartbroken. I am so sick of dragging around a big, heavy ball of sad bitterness that is immediatly apparent to everyone I meet. I feel transparent, the lonliness that shows in my green eyes that look so pale since I dyed my hair black.
I am so sick of not being able to fully appreciate my friends because I want romance. Maybe this is my sign to get over it. This quiet frustration is a new feeling to me- when I think about my past feelings of lonliness (I have felt lonely even when I've HAD a date), it wasn't this kind of suffocation- why did I start feeling like this? I have many theories, but none of them make this feeling go away.
I think this want of a partner is also about place -about this city- as much as it is about a person. I want a date to make it feel like I have a home here, that I have something to hold me here and make me feel attatched to this city (New York, New York). Have cities always obcessd me like this?
