2003-01-25 - 1:32 p.m.
"Do you think I am deluding myself by always returning to Portland Lauren?"
"Depends what your goals are."
"My goals are... world domination, through crafts."
Is my love affair with Portland, Oregon over? I felt so aimless there this past trip. Maybe it was because it was the first visit without a specific focus- I wasn't back for a long time to work on a project like the Zine Symposium or teach workshops at the IPRC, I wasn't there to try to continue a long distance relationship. I was just there. I'm not a person who feels comfortable with being aimless. It's the east coaster in me- always searching for an intense focus. Maybe it was because after the fun and excitement and newness of the bay area Portland, with is quiet, familiar streets, didn't feel so exciting. For the first time I couldn't quite name what drew me here intially, back in high school, when I dreamed about that place.
But now I feel a little lost. My friends in Portland are so incredible, it's a rare opportunity to have peopel want to spend time with me. But it's the place. If I don't have Portland, what do I have? My frustration and constant dissatisfaction with New York City? The urge to settle down somewhere and stay, hole up and work on writing, music, and art?
I am reading a books of letters right now between Joyce Johnson and Jack Kerouac. It's been years since I've read anything by the beats (years like, since middle school), but my Dad gave me this book for Christmas and one of Joyce Johnson's comments really struck me, "Jack thought he could solve everything by becoming a hermit." I recognized myself in that. And the truth is that he didn't, he just became more of an alcholoholic asshole. I always think that I could be SO AMAZING if I could just find a quiet place to work.
Maybe Sunset Park, Brooklyn is quiet enough for right now.
ps. I put out a new Induglence, my personal/political zine. Email me if you are interested in obtaining a copy.
